It's here

After four years of waiting it is finally here - the World Cup. Two years of qualification, $billions in advertising and (as mentioned here before) a one-off opportunity for Africa to transform its global image. A stage for the world's biggest sporting heroes to show us all what they got: Drogba, Ronaldo, Rooney, Messi, Torres, Ribery. And still, the airwaves are dominated by two words most of us have never heard before: Vuvuzela and Jubalani.

The vuvuzela (English pronunciation: /vuːvuːˈzeɪlə/) , sometimes called a "lepatata" (its Tswana name) or a stadium horn, is a horn commonly blown by fans at football matches in South Africa. The instrument is played using a simple brass instrument technique of blowing through compressed lips to create a buzz, and emits a loud monotone. And what a loud monotone it is. THE, and I use capitals sparingly, THE most annoying noise I have ever heard.

Jabulani, meaning 'rejoice' in Zulu, is the World Cup ball. If by 'rejoice' one means 'lose all control over' I guess it is a good name. If it means make people - footballers and football fans - happy, it is clearly a misnomer. Let's be clear. If the players can concentrate on the game despite the vuvuzelas, which I doubt, they have no idea how to put the Jabulani in the net. This is the lowest scoring World Cup ever. Boring!

Here's my plea to the stars mentioned above. Please, please, make an effort. So far, not so good. You did not score a single goal between you. In fact, only one of you managed to find himself on the winning side. Please. Put some time into practicing with the Jabulani before the next match and start performing. Without a major improvement our only memory of this World Cup would be the bloody vuvuzela. Wouldn't you (over-paid, childish narcissists) rather we remebered you?

PS 505km down. 495km to go.